lili!

i was hurt once again

2008-05-31T23:41:00.002+08:00

why must you do this to me again?

i seriously thought you changed. from the way you sms me, the tone and everything. i know it was different. i could see that effort was put in. it no longer felt like your replies were like a chore to you cos you have no choice but to reply me as much as you dont want to. i could really sense the joy in you wanting to sms me. i really felt that we were back to the old times. but now you brought me back to reality once again.

you showed two sides of you today. i really hate it when you are tired. you just totally spoil the mood.

we were talking very happily. i had so much more happy things to tell you. but just one word of tired, you totally swithed off. i know you were not listening. or maybe just not interested anymore. short attention span on me?! woah!

i am so disappointed in you. first week of holidays has almost ended. you have went out with your class, HC and cheer people.. apparently, everyone but ME! you have ever thought of leaving out some time for me. ever thought that i wanted to be asked on a date too. ever though that i needed more care and attention. i am always the last person on your list. i dont want to be he last! i hate to be placed last in your heart! sobbbs.. =( =( if i am significant to you, why give me false hope that you are doing something then disappoint me again. why give me the feeling that you want to win my heart back, that you want to care about this relationship and salvage it before its too late, yet again do things that shows me that you dont seem to care about me?! WHICH IS THE REAL SIDE OF YOU??? arghhh...

you dozed off again while talking to me.. is talking on the phone so much to ask from you when you dont even have the time to go put with me. all you do is out having fun with your VJ friends. i hang up in anger. you dont even bother calling me back. even after you woke up, you just went out with your friends. all the way till night when you reach home. after all the fun that you had with your friends before thinking about how am i after another wound stabbed by you. and all you did was one sms to ask me what am i doing..i replied you didnt. guess you dozed off again.. not even a word of sorry.. so what does this mean?

i am really loss for what to do..
just continue being the inferior self..

miraculously he remembered..

2008-05-30T20:27:00.005+08:00

just wanted to post in the name of 30th.. thou i am currently at band camp now..

happy 30th bee! it has been one year and 2 months.. but the love is still running and it shall run forever.. love you loads. muacks <3>

today was the day. but i didnt hold high hope he will remember. afterall, it was camp and he will be tired as usual. throughout this one year, i learnt that when he is tired dont expect much from him. partly cos i also know that high hopes will only bring me more disappointment and tears if he really forgets and breaks my heart. i hate that feelings and i dont want to experience it again. i ams till recovering from my old wound stabbed 5 days ago. apparently, i was not bothered much by the date, cos i chose not to.

woke up early in the morning to attend a taxing and tiring 3 hours bio tutorial. i felt like a superwoman after that! i was busy struggling copying what mrs lim had on the screen and econs notes, since i realize last night that some of my notes are empty due to some reasons.. hahhahas. i went basar malan opposite school with van joy shawn to shop shop. me and joy bought elmo soft toy each.. it was so cute! sad thing that they didnt have cookie monster. as for shawn and van they bought FAKE tamagotchi for 3 bucks each! copycats la.. still say no difference from mine. mine is REAL okies?!

then i was on my way back to chung cheng for band camp! cant wait. boarded 33 and met may along the way and we went back together.. we were the first alumni to reach! muahahhas. so on right?! ate japan delight for lunch, had some time with my section (as usual talking and playing non stop instead of practicing) and it was election time! i was trying to be funny being the mc.. and i koped jinhong's voting sheet and voted. paiseh! x) halfway through weng siong reached. he was being irritating. he wanted to vote also. so in the end we were fighting and making a mess out of the whole voting paper. we actually put our names in too! LOL. nothing interesting really happen.

minyu and chloe came subsequently. chloe was power okies. the moment she came she demanded to see ms low. cos apparently the comm kind of didnt agree with our choices and there were lots of changes. kind of disagree with the way they choose people. just dont want to further comment on it. guess we had fault too cos we did make a few wrong choices. but most if it was under mr wong's influence then. forget it! its not about pushing the blame around anymore.. its so the past.. the comm we selected is stepping down. see how time actually pass and how old we are! we went to kope dinner from the main band before meeting ms low. had a short meeting to know voting results, had hot discussion before weng and i had to rush off for alumni prac cos we were already 0ne hour late!

alumni prac was normal. but a miracle happened! he smsed me at 8 plus to wish me happy 3oth.. he actually remembered! he didnt forget! wooohoooo.. i was so happy. but obviously i couldnt shout. i guess all i did was smiling to my handphone like an idiot. and deep down in my heart it was so sweet. he actually asked if i missed him.. when did it last happen man! he actually or should i say finally care about how i feel towards him. and his replies for the day were all so cute.. thou it was only 3 before he dozed off again! my heart nearly melted man.. it all really came to me as a surprise. me, being the stubborn lihui refused to admit of course. but obviously i did miss him! quite badly somemore.. stupid bee! wanted to call him and talk while siting at the locker area where everything started..

the night was spent gossiping with may staff and weng instead of studying! our studying plan was gone! hahhas. sort of expected. Staff was funny! she was suppose to buy coffee for us to backup our midnight studying plan. she was so proud about herself that she bought belgian chocolate latte coffee. but in the end, upon the first sip, we realized she bought chocolate milk. it was a joke la! she actually thought latte meant coffee. lol. so from staying away, we end up having sugar rush. we went mad, talking non top about everything. our old band times, confessing about our own relationships and crushes etc. kinda fun! when will we ever find the time to do this after school in JC la.. sobbs. JC robbs social time!

i spent one hour plus along with weng at the locker area talking. sort of talking more about me and kaichun? cos i did most of the talking. hahas. found out quite abit. some of which was quite disturbing that i wished i knew them earlier.

to her:
at that time i knew something was wrong. i could feel that you had something for him. it was definitely more than good friends. he kept denying. apparently, he didnt sense that you had something for him thou it was kinda obvious. i did feel jealous and threatened by you. i did and it didnt felt good at all. he may have given you the wrong idea and for that i apologize to you on his behalf. maybe he was being wishy washy as usual that he didnt make things clear. and i didnt expect it to hurt and impact you so much till today. i really didnt meant to budge in just like. it was unintentional. i dont enjoy being a 3rd party. i am sorry! but given the chance that i knew the fact early, i would still hold tightly to him. i would not let him go. i would not have given him up to you for he is of equivalent importance to me.. he had given me many happy and beautiful memories and times that i never knew i could have. he made me realize how important a person can meant to me beyond my own self. i am sorry to have hurt you in process.. you were right to curse and hate me for if i were you, i would have hated that girl too. a girl who just appear from nowhere and took away the guy that meant alot. you were first, but to me, that doesnt signify anything for it is the feelings that count.

felt so disturbed that it just keeps staying in my mind. on the bus on the way home, before i sleep etc. towards her, i feel a sense of guilt. just glad that she is moving on. once again, i am sorry! =(

the day has comed.. he remembered..

starting to feel inferior of myself.. so much happened
maybe i am just not good enough.. not fit to be..

last econs lesson with MR HOO!

2008-05-29T16:08:00.000+08:00

OMG?! so sadd. today is the last econs lesson with MR HO! since we had a one hour plus econs make-up. but apparently, as jermain agreed with me, when he teaches us all these while things do go into our brain. unlike YOU KNOW WHO! really so sad that he is leaving us. 22/08 will really miss you MR HO!!! really wonder what will our next econs teacher be like. it's a he. so will he be like mr ho?! hahaha. doubt so. it's just a relief to know its not poison IVY i guess. muahahaha. so evil! and the guys in our class are plain stockers! instead of the girls in actions, the guys were trying to take shots of mr ho every now and then with their handphone. but i want the photos thou! hahahs. x)

after the formal and last econs, lesson, we went for lunch at pizza hut together. this includes me, jocelyn, judith, jing jing e autistic, shawn, jermain, kheh yang and lastly, our beloved MR HO! its kind of funny. we went pizza hut and half of us practically wanted to eat pasta or baked rice. or me, joy and kheh yang wanted to eat pizza. so we ordered a big pizza set comprising of 2 regular pizza, 4 soups ad drinks. and guess wad?! three of us managed to finish up the food with a little help from mr ho thou. and being students, we all had discounted price! as for mr ho, it was really funny too. the waitress came up to him and ask him, "Are you a student?" and as he says, being a teacher must be honest, so he said NO! in such a weird way like as if he very old and out of place when he is only 4 years older. its gona be our turn soon. the days without student price is going.. sobbs...

finish eating,we parted. it was sad! but we can see him again at our class BBQ! provided that he come la. then i went off to meet vic to come to my house to study. in the end, we just ended like surfing the net, and vic? she was busy munching on ruffles like a glutton! i did steal some. arghh! pizza hut + potato chips.. how to lose weight like that?!?

after vic leave, i dont know why i suddenly had the urge to go back for band cos band camp is on tonight. tried asking may along but she was out with staff. so hesitated till 730pm while reading econs, i finally decide to go! lol. i change and rush out of the house. me being a sotong head actually boarded the bus without my file. i left it at the bus stop. can you believe it?! in the end, my brother walked out and got it for me. THANKS BROTHER!

went back band. the first thing was chloe asking or help. the current committee was having problems deciding the nominees for the next comm.. but after looking at it, it was really pathetic! worst than last year okies! haii.. the band is dying. me an chloe had the feeling mr wong is giving up on our band.. just hope he doesnt. had meeting with current comm , understand the situation followed by a meeting with MRS TAN.. it was so fun! we had teleconference together with ms low and weng siong on separate phones so it was kind of messy too. they were like there but not there. after all the discussing, we came up with out desired peeps.. guess now its all up to the current comm to comment at the meeting with mrs tan later. went back to band room to vist my dear section having combine. i realise how much i actually miss them. all the chitty chats, nonsence jokes, fun and laughter and them busy calling me AH MA! something that i cant fins it JC for sure. felt so honoured. cos they were all so happy to see me for they were fighting for me to sit near them. so BHB! blehhh.. see how much they have grown, now to a section size of 8.. i really miss them loadds. I MISS MY HORN SECTION!

tomorrow is the end.. yet it marks the day.. will he remember?

he didnt sms me today.. disappointed i guess..
especially when the clock struck 12..

TWO things came back to me.. <3 <3 <3

2008-05-28T15:40:00.000+08:00

I FINALLY REVIVED OUR TAMAGOTCHI BABY TODAY BEE!

something that we bought to mark our anniversary yet i left it to die since O level. felt so bad. suddenly had the urge to buy battery today to revive my tamagotchi baby. maybe all i wanted to do was to fill up the emptiness in my heart.. since half of it belong to you. wells.. hope you are doing well at camp.. x)

my day was spent like how a recovering person should be. all i did was lie in bed, watch videos, in a way distracting and forcing myself not to think too much of all the nasty and unpleasant stuff.. till i decided to go for ballet lessons. got out of bed sloppily, wash up, change and got out of the house. the first glimpse of sunlight for the day.

ever since i stopped ballet for O level which was like 8 months, the passion for dance just gradually drained out. i know it shouldnt happen. the thought of quitting just keeps running through my mind yet i refuse to do so.. come to think of it.. it has been 11 years of sweat and hard work, am i going to give it all up just like that? many times i told myself i will go back for lessons, but still failed. excuses will find its way in and it would eventually mark my absence in class once and twice, again and again. even if i dragged myself to class after school, it just seem like a chore to me. its no longer a hobby or passion. miraculously today, i put in my effort and feelings to dance. and guess what?! i could feel the passion coming back to me. techniques rusting and bones cracking yet still hoping that the glimpse of passion will continue to run in me.. for it has been one of the greatest thing that has happened to me these few days.. =) =) =)

something small to share which made me thought about my love life... it's really sweet thou...

TO ALL GUYS:

When a Girl is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind.
When a Girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.
When a Girl looks at u with eyes full of questions .. she is wondering how long you will be around by her side.
When a Girl answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at all fine.
When a Girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.
When a Girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a Girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.
When a Girl says ' I love you ' ... she means it.
When a Girl says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you more than that..

after reading this, for an instance i wondered.. after calling me "zhu" for one year plus claiming to be the closest person to me, have you ever realized at least half of the above. i hoped you did and it somehow truely reflects how i feel at times. and still right at this moment deep in my heart i still know one fact. and that is I LOVE YOU.

TO ALL GIRLS:

Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person

Find a Guy...

who calls you beautiful instead of hot
who calls you back when you hang up on him.
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
and lastly, who turns to his friends and says, ' That's her!! '

hmm.. i can say you met half of the criteria above.. thou at times you were real nasty to me specially when you want to sleep. A SLEEPY KAICHUN IS A BEAST! hahahahas. shouting and saying harsh words at me time to time really breaks my heart. but what ever that happens, i believe if you dont give up, i believe i wont. JIAYOU LIHUI & KAICHUN!!!

2 more days before it ends..

will it mark something special? or will my heart be scattered into pieces once again? i seriously hope not.

missing you badly..

i was hurt deeply once again..

2008-05-28T14:27:00.000+08:00

HEARTBROKEN
the perfect word to describe my feeling today.

you made me felt like a real loser today. come to think of it, the whole of last night when i was worrying away over the fact that you dont want to answer my calls and reply my sms, thinking that something may have happened to you or you are angry with me. but in the end, you were just too tired from BBQ that you fell asleep! do you know i broke down upon seeing your first message in school today in front of my friends. i actually broke down and cried. what is wrong with me? you make me so weak and valnerable. the first thing that came to my mind was that you could actually ignore my sms and treat me as invisible even if i told you i was back in Singapore just for the fact that you were having fun at a BBQ. i dont believe you cant even take a few seconds off to reply. it jsut goes to show how much i meant to you. more worthless than a class BBQ. if you are avoiding me why not tell me straight in my face. if you think i am a nuisance and a nag, why dont you just tell me push me away? what exactly am i to you?! you are driving me mad. sobbbs

today in school i finally collapsed. i cried. i felt unwanted. i showed the weaker and unhappy side of myself. yunhan and kaichun abandoning me at the same time. the feeling totally sucks. it feels like i lost two pillar of support for 4 days. i had to force myself to understand cos its a camp. and still,it was hard. was i being over sensitive or was it that my best friend really was being harsh cos she thinks that i am irritating too? anw, really wanna thank the peeps around me. if not for you guys (van, joycelyn, junhan, leonard, junrong and many many) i really dont know how i could survive the 4 hours lessons. being with you guys some how makes me feel much much better. i managed to smile. playing bball to vent is not bad followed by a plate of spicy sambal fried rice that i cant finish. thanks leonard for smsing me during lecture thou i know you really wanted to pay attention and your dear leaving today also. i love them!

after a "eventful" day, i am still back in this dark room of mine. back to that weak and gloomy side with memories flooding back. without the laughters that my friends can squeeze out of me, i am left with nothing.

to him:
dont know whether you will have the chance to read this, but if you do, these are my true feelings. you made me realize one fact. giving myself hope is giving me a chance to get hurt once again. i always had trust and hope in you, believing that you will fulfill what you promise me. to me, a promise speaks alot. but once broken, it hurts alot too. i try my best to believe in every word that you say but often your actions just reflects your true feelings together with your lies. you said that you love me, but your actions makes me feel unwanted. you said that you wont make me cry, but you are always committing the same mistake over and over again. and at the end of each day, nothing has been done. what's done is the wound left in me. from now on, i shant give myself any more hopes cos its fatal. i will just fall from greater heights each time. i no longer have that energy to pick myself up anymore. i am half dead at heart. i guess its all up to you.

3 more days before it ends.

yet it marks something special. but will it be special... i doubt so..

just another sobb-ing night

2008-05-27T18:07:00.000+08:00

maybe you are right. its my nagging thats turning you off. but i just cant help its not that i want to. believe me.

came back from Phuket yesterday. i did msg you but you didnt reply till today. sent 3 smses gave you at least 10 miss calls.. but nothing came back. i kept wondering why. why are you playing this hide and seek game with me again, hiding away from me so that i get all worried. is this how you wanna torture me? i ly on my bed and kept staring at my phone. calls after calls no one picked up. i was feeling so helpless and lost.. like a lost child in the midst of a desert with no water to survive. i was trying to distract myself by chatting with van and yunhan on my phone with junhan comforting me. but nothing worked. i know its all up to myself to forget and cheer up. but i just cant seem to pick myself up tonight. i lack the courage and strength i use to have. maybe thats the power of love? thou its not very good..

things became worst when i on my laptop and saw ningmao's off line message? she asked, " will people become less bonded with less time together?" i have been asking myself this question for sometime too. be it love and friendship. be it kaichun or just btw us (mii maomao yijun and yun han) i guess i cant answer her cos i dont know the answer myself. it sudden makes me realise i have been neglecting my DEAREST FRIEND cos of JC work ad stuff. this really sucks.

Dedicated to mao mao:
mao, i really dont know what happen to you in Australia that you suddenly had that question in you. worried and upset was what i saw in you. whatever it is, always remember i will always be there for you even if we have less time together. true friends once met will always be true. like any friendship there is always ups and downs. our friendship is not any different. the four of us promised to be best friends forever and we will. there will be a day when the dreams we had in our life game will all come true (thou some of them not very nice. so dont come true better! x) ) sorry that i have been neglecting you.. things have not been as great here, esp without you. you always ask me to be happy so now just smile! so that we can see all the fats on your face! looking forward to sunday so i can conference with my dearest! blehhh <3

for the whole night i have been thinking about you. its 3 in the morning yet i still cant get to sleep. i cried and sobbed everything out. i actually blog searched for your name. i read blog after blog, realizing your life seem so much happier without me. your house com alone can give you the happiness that i long to see in you. why issit that you have all the time to go eat lunch at macs, have house dinner at airport, camhore sessions etc but just no time for me. have you ever realize that i need you too. i need your attention care and love like any other girls. and i actually burst into tears while reading your happy moments and thinking about my place in you and your heart. where exactly do i stand? if thats the case, why not just let you go and catch your freedom and social life? keeping me by your side makes no difference. it seems to me that i am just another burden you are hesitating to unload. and you lied again! you broke your very own promise ocnce again. you are just hurting me. people always say loving someone is wanting them to be happy. is it always the case?

sobbed everything out tonight in this dark room of mine really made me feel like a loser. the room that used to hold many of our beautiful memories i will never forget for life. it seem to me that those were the days we were the happiest and that happiness will never come back to us again. i hate the feeling of being neglected from time to time. i hate it when you refuse to reply my sms. i hate it when you just decide to ignore me as you wish. i hate it when yo u lie and break your promises. i hate it when you shout at me. i hate it when i cry. i hate it when you abandon me every night. and my heart eventually breaks when you show me you dont want me anymore. you didnt say but i can sense it.

when will all these end? i just cant wait..
you going for camp tomorrow just means another 4 more days of helplessness for me. maybe its just cries as usual in the midst of the night.

myy FIRST authentic post

2008-05-27T13:53:00.000+08:00

THANKS JIEMEI!
thanks jermain for staying up so do late just to set up this blogg for me. you knew i needed a channel to rant and you created one. For that, i am really thankful. you made my emo and sobbing night happier! =) sometimes i really do feel that you guys care more about me than he does. and i do wonder why..

today have not been a very nice day. stupidly left my money and ez-link card at home. so pratically the whole day i have to go around borrowing money for lunch and coins for bus rides like a beggar. ARGHH. letures and tutorials till 2 (worst than normal school dayss!!! what kind of holiday is this mann). after all that brain taxin sessions, we decided to go eighteen chefs to eat lunch. it was so pack we had to reserve seats. we includes van, joycelyn, shawn, samuel and mii. it only means that the food is YUM YUM! so go there! and guess what.we got our orders all mixed up. all junhan's fault (van van sorry! x) ) he was suppose to come eat with us. in the end he had GPP meeting so eat with his class. but the chi qing guy just cant forget the dissapointed look othe food is YUM YUM.en van's face so in the end he came to the cafe to look for van. stupidly enough, he refuse to come in. cos all 22/08 peeps so maybe he feel weird. lol. we were made by van to drag him into the cafe. the whole process was kind of funny. with sam and shawn left in the cafe, they cant remember who ordered what. after eating 3 of us had our orders wrong! -.- but it was still nice. maybe except for shawn cos he had spicy tomato sauce when he can eat much spice. PAI SEH! end of story.

bought new ear studs today. same as van joy and bell. i am wearing them to school tmr. PRETTY HEARTS! went home. realise they all live near simei. cheat my feelings make me travel so far. blehh. but guess it was worth the travel for the fun lunch in a studious day!